"My thoughts are scattered... I throw back a few shots, and feel like nothing matters... It's like the rain don't stop."
It has been over two years, and it's still raining.
I'm not so much concerned with the suffering of the mighty; but the sacrifices of the small, unrecorded souls. It appears that for each one of us saved, another victim must be found.
This last week I saw a different side of the human condition. It reminded me of Dostoevski's statement that flatly defines man as a being who can get used to anything. "Yes, a man can get used to anything, but do not ask us how."
Her desperation and subsequent anger were born of the hopelessness of the situation, I believe. "It's all a waste of time. It all meant nothing," She said.
"It's dead now."
My initial reaction was one of disgust; pure disgust with the shear ugliness of what was behind the statement I was hearing. It felt like a very real, external kind of hatred. A hatred you could almost taste.
I sat staring at her, realizing that she was no longer a person I recognized. Her feelings were blunted. She stood on the other side of the wall that now stood between us. She stood there with her detachment. APATHY.
I went home that night and cried. And as I cried, I said the Kaddish for her. I then asked G-d to forgive me for my sins, however last minute my request was.
She taught me love. Then showed me hate.
The Hebrew word for prayer is tefilah. It is derived from the root Pe-Lamed-Lamed and the word l'hitpalel, meaning to judge oneself. This surprising word origin provides insight into the purpose of Jewish prayer. The most important part of any Jewish prayer, whether it be a prayer of petition, of thanksgiving, of praise of G-d, or of confession, is the introspection it provides, the moment that we spend looking inside ourselves, seeing our role in the universe and our relationship to G-d.
Introspection begins with "I" - with eye.
I am sorry.
