Hello World,
I feel like writing...I will write. Really, when it comes to it, there's nothing to it. You sit down with your journal, or at your computer or type writer, and open a vein. OPEN A VAIN. At least for me that's how it works. Despite being in the public's eye since I was 11, I believe there isn't a person on this planet that can lay claim to knowing me. Truly knowing me. I have a protective coat... a shield that has helped me keep myself together over the years. There are things I've never shared with anyone. And while my music is most often characterized as personal, I believe I have developed a writing style that allows me to go just deep enough, without ever exposing "too much."
For instance, I have nightmares. I guess medically they are called Night Terrors. I've had them since my 12th birthday. I remember the first one like it happened yesterday. For those of you who know what this type of episode entails, I think you will agree with me when I say this is probably one of the least enjoyable experiences known to man. As a result, I have literally trained my mind and body to run on 3 or so hours of sleep. With this amount of sleep, I don't reach the cycle where dreams occur, and by default, can in most cases, avoid the night terrors altogether.
Here is another interesting fact about me... I was born dead. For the first 16.6 seconds of my life, I had no heartbeat. I believe this has played an integral part in shaping who I am... and also what I am. I have never feared death, and those that know me on any intimate level know that in most cases I run towards it. I feel I may die early, you know, before my time, but that is neither here nor there. They say the good die young.. which leaves me wondering asking myself why the fuck am I here? As someone who has experienced death first hand, I can say with complete confidence that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I hope that when I die, the people who love me and care about me celebrate both my life and my death. To only celebrate my birth would be to write off my entire existence. To write off all of what made my life worth remembering.
The only friend I think I've ever truly had is Welly4. None of you will know who this is, but I think if friendship ever existed between two people, in its truest form, it would have been here. I do not believe we are friends anymore, and I've accepted this as part of life's cycle. It pains me most days. But we keep going.
I read at least three books a week. All kinds of books, but mostly financial analysis. I read newspapers, articles, data reports, financial statements, etc. I also read poetry, and plays. I've read most of the classics, many in their original languages.
I don't care for boxes, limitations, or ceilings. And I find most conversations boring. I think people are fickle, and have very little conviction. I used to have a girl I respected. She had a brilliant mind, but traded it in to be popular. Maybe my judgment is too harsh. But it is my honest opinion. She used to supply me with books upon books. Things to grow the soul. I hope she's happy now.
And when it comes to fear... fear is something I believe we've learned here. I don't remember fearing anything growing up. Never the dark. Or the boogie man. Or pain. Those of you who know me will recall I used to swallow things just to see what would happen. I would break my bones, and try to perform my own medical examinations. This often led to further damage, but in my mind, I had a better understanding, which made it worth it. Loneliness used to be about the scariest thing out there for me. And then I died and went to hell. Hell is very lonely. I felt safe because I knew I had G.d with me. I knew that what I was going thru was serving a higher purpose. I remembered what I learned reading Isaiah 6:8, and my Nana telling me to be prepared. It was painful at times, but it taught me that even loneliness has its limitations. It taught me that courage is not the absence of fear; but the acknowledgement that fear exist - that you and me or they are we are scared. And I was at times. But I emerged. And I'm stronger because of it.
These are a few things about me that I guarantee you didn't know before today. I hope these thoughts find you well. Today was an expressive day. And if time is any indication, this may not happen again for another 26 years. I leave you with this quote. I've had it since I was about 9 or so.
“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”
AJS
Isiah 6:8: Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
